Labor Pains

Two people in the last week or so have said the same thing to me, in a nutshell. They are the two people closest to me aside from John, Bailey and Hugo, and they both likened the phase of my life that I'm in now to childbirth. It seems fitting, in some ways.

I have since the first of the year or so, been dreaming of a new me, and I feel so different now from then that I almost want to change my name. It is much like gestation and birth. I have begun the journey with an attitude adjustment of monumental proportions. It began with thinking of myself, and deciding to take care of me better than I have been. I made it a goal to lose weight. Starting with a physical and vitamins, I gave up smoking in February. Then pop, then fast food. All these things made me feel better and I quit drinking or in any other way altering my mood with substances. That includes pain medication, valium, xanax and all the other substances so easy to fall back on. Nothing but the occasional pain pill when my cramps are really bad, and I gotta tell you last time was probably the last time. I don't like the way they make me feel anymore.

Two tremendously important things have come out of this change, plus a host of other things that go along with them like the stars in concert with the sun and moon. I found in my new state of mental clarity that I am and always have been a spiritual person, and that I had been seeking God for a long time, but could not find anything but my own roadblocks. He was there all along and I just chose to busy myself in other ways. The other huge thing is that I'm exercising daily and losing between half and one pound per day. It's been enlightening to see that without anything to take away negative feelings I've had to learn to deal with them. I was then able to recognize when I was hungry and when I was eating to avoid a feeling I didn't like. Like anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness. rage, guilt, shame, inadequacy, fear, did I say frustration already?, boredom, anxiety, pressure and a host of other negative feelings that if I really look at things are there for a reason. So I began the long, frustrating, painful process of dealing with all those things. WOW. What an eye-opener. It has been like birth, I'm not sure I'm born, or still laboring. I do know this: If I stop, if I give up, the new woman emerging full grown and conscious from the old me will die. All I have to do is turn my back on it and walk away. It's easy, and alluring like warm oil on the skin. It was, at least, in the past. How many times have I declared war on some negative aspect of myself, whooping and hollering and waving a tomahawk, only to wake up a month later and wonder what the hell happened to me. Not this time, ladies and gents. I have been losing weight for two weeks. Consecutively not consuming any of the aforementioned chemicals in any form for weeks, maybe longer. I drink only water, milk and tea. I'm down to a half teaspoon or teaspoon of sugar in my tea, and that's a huge break from Mountain Dew. Can I get an Amen? Seriously. I didn't realize that it would happen, but I'm at the point now that I think about snacking at night every night still, but if I do, it's something healthy and not a bowl of ice cream. I asked John to stop eating in bed with me, because the urge to snack at night is still there and it's hard to abstain if someone is doing it in your face. I work every night until 9 and don't get home until nine thirty, so he has plenty of time for his bowl of cereal or ice cream before I get there. It's a sacrifice he's willing to make, especially since I kicked the tv out of our bedroom again. I can't tell you how much of a difference it has made in our sleep habits. We go to bed so much earlier and with consistency now. It makes it waaaaay easier to get up and do yoga at six am if I've gotten eight hours of sleep the night before. And it's easier to go to bed at night if I haven't been slugging Mountain Dew at work for the last four hours straight. And it's easier to avoid the pop drinking if I"m not hung over and exhausted. And so on, and so forth.

I bought a size smaller pants than I usually wear and the same size bra I wore in HS. Who knew? I guess there is nothing like determination to get you through it, whatever it may be.

The thing I've been laughing about for the last few days is John has been saying it's too bad we can't have another baby. I live in fear of turning up pregnant, and it's been three and a half years since there was even a chance. I still sweat when I think about it. Anyone in need of someone to rock your crying baby while you take a break, my husband has the baby itch really bad and would love to come listen to yours cry for a day or so LOL....