It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)

For those of you who know me, you know things have been changing rapidly in my life. There is something else happening now. Peace. Even though things go wrong, there is peace in my life. I am seeing now the ways that I was seeking drama and carting other people's crap by the bushel into my life. Sometimes I still do. I'm still working on it. Life on life's terms, not mine. The new truck just died today. Flat dead, Nothing. We had it towed to a shop. Ugh. Not worth getting upset over. Done is done. Maybe something wonderful that I'll never see happened today in that electrical failure. Maybe that truck with my husband and the older two kids in it would've gotten hit and someone would have been hurt, or God forbid, killed. How can I know how God is at work in my life if I only praise Him for the things I deem good? John says God told him to stay home anyway. LOL

Yesterday I walked for 45 minutes. Then again today. I'm striving for five days a week. Last night John and I attended our first Tai Chi class. WOW. It was sweet. So fun. I really want to keep doing it. I am so stoked about it. It is reputed to not only be good for you physically, but mentally as well. In addition, years into it, it can become a self-defense art. I hear good things in terms of it being an intimacy building activity, since it causes you to work face to face, builds self esteem and the like. We'll see. Another good thing about it is it's being given at the church we go to, and is significantly cheaper than if we did it at a martial arts school. And the money goes to the church, where we are definitely in need of a new roof. We have a benefactor willing to donate 10K if we can raise the first ten. I know we can do it! There is a casino trip I'm willing to make the sacrifice and go on to support the church. LOL I know I'm a dork.

I don't know how long it's actually been, but it's been a good month almost since I quit drinking and longer by at least a month for John. I quit smoking back in February. Maybe January. I am completely clean now, and am changing my eating habits as well. I have almost entirely given up sugar. I started with pop, then went to vitamin water and Gatorade and the like. I have a fruit juice occasionally and am down to about half a teaspoon of sugar in my hot tea. I gave up fast food as a habit, and can't really remember when I ate it last. I still eat out, but I try to at least go Subway or sushi instead of a Big Mac.

I bought us a Wii Fit. Holy geez is that thing AWESOME!!!! If you don't know what one is, google it. The Wii rocks in and of itself, but the Wii Fit is a box you stand on and do balance activities like Yoga or balance games. Tightrope walking, hula hooping. Strength Training and Aerobics. I didn't need it to tell me that I was obese. I was well aware of it. But it tracks my weight loss, the amount of time I spend on it per day, the days I work out, my bmi is calculated for me and it's helping me to correct my posture. Woah. I love this thing. It's the size of a bathroom scale, and as you stand on it it charts your center of gravity. It knows which way you lean. It has aerobics. You can choose a female or male personal trainer who talks to you, but whose mouth never moves. It's insanity. I can't believe all the stuff this one machine can do. Bizarre. Really, truly. I haven't hula'd yet but I did try heading a soccer ball. It's harder than it looks.

I have been having the strangest damn dreams. I haven't been completely clean for almost fifteen years, barring the pregnancies with each child. I forgot the dreaming that happens when you don't pass out wasted. I haven't been to a meeting in years. Now I go regularly, although I can't stomach AA anymore. I've tried and I just don't feel right there. I tried Al-anon but it makes my skin crawl there. I go to ACOA every week without fail. We watch John Bradshaw for fifteen minutes. Today it was Leo Buscaglia. I tell them I'm a monster and they love me anyway. I tell them about the insanity that was my family as a small child, and they remind me that I'm not responsible for the things that happened to me, or the things I didn't choose, but that I can make choices now. I'm an intelligent person, but I have a hard time really wrapping my mind around that and they are beating it into me with a mallet. Figuratively. And they are all living proof that it gets better a bit at a time if you are willing. Bradshaw says the only way to deal with feelings is to go through them. These amazing people are teaching me and supporting me as I sort through all the things I haven't felt quite equipped to deal with in life for the last thirty years. They are loving and firm. They're funny and irritating. They have their own bullshit, and they don't try to make me feel bad about anything I do-or don't do. It's a wonderful opportunity for me to get my life together. I'm taking it.

Things are getting better slowly. I think we're gonna make it. For real. All joking aside, John and I will have been married 8 years in August. That's a feat in itself. A tremendous achievement is that we still like one another and still want to be married. That we have made the choice to forgive ourselves and one another for our past mistakes, and that in the face of the hectic lifestyle that we lead we make time to actively love each other, freely and completely for who we are today and not hinged on some future better person we'd like to become.

I have been seeking a closer relationship with the Christ in me, or with the Universal Love or whatever you want to call it. I wish Christianity wasn't so patriarchal, and that it was more acceptable to love all the gods than the God. It matters much less to me than it used to what other people refer to God as, be it Goddess or Higher Power or Jesus or Krishna. I find Jesus to be a suitable God, loving and powerful and Unity church is a good place for me to be until I am directed elsewhere. I feel very comfortable there and happy to have a place to worship where no one bats an eyelash at my tattoos, no one tells me I can't wear jeans and no one hounds me for money. I give freely where I'm called to, and I believe that God speaks to me if I can quiet myself enough to listen. I feel a deep sense of wonder at the beauty of the Universe as it is unfolding in my soul, in my children, in a beggar and in a politician. I see God's miracles in babies and kittens and flowers, new plants and sunrises, all the traditional things that are maybe easier to look at. I also see Him in traffic and the economics of the world. I see so much balance. If I believe that the Universe seeks balance then we are all necessary. We are all the same, essentially, and just leaning one way or another. If we all straighten up and balance, then, will the whole world balance as well? Will we cease to have the very rich and the very poor? Will we cease to kill and save, and just exist? Will tremendous joy be sacrificed to stamp out utter desolation? Where are humans really headed? What are our intentions when weighed against our reality? Are we not reaping the very seeds we have all planted? Why do we continue to blame others when every religious text says, 'Look within and you will find God there.' The point is not which religion. Human beings worry far too much about doing than being. I am working on finding the divine within me, and tapping into a consciousness we all have access to, if we are willing to forgo the things we know better than to do. It's not as easy as it sounds....