I've got to admit, it's getting better. It's getting better, all the time. Ha ha. I know, I do so love the Beatles. But seriously. I've had a great day today. I think it started last night, fighting with my husband. I know that sounds nuts to most people, but there's progress in it. The fighting wasn't the counterproductive kind where we just say things to validate our own struggle and justify our behavior. I think we actually heard one another, and were able to reflect a bit on why we are arguing. Huzzah! That's the rub, when you know you have just wasted a whole mess of time and energy fighting with someone who's incapable of or unwilling to hear you.
Then today I got a load of dishes and laundry done, fed the kids and took them shopping and made it to work on time. I hit my quota for the month, was kind to myself and others and got the job done. I bought a CD off a struggling young artist who feeds himself by being the security guard at our store, but who loves music. I get the goods on Wednesday. I'll let you know how it goes. I'm looking forward to helping my bff move tomorrow, and hanging out in the D. I hope I can get to Tai Chi on time, too. The Garden Resource Program called and said come and get some free flowers tomorrow. Yay! And Wednesday I work a short day, then have Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday off. Thursday is our second session of marriage counseling, which I feel very hopeful about. Then the annual Fourth of July party at my good friend's house. Yippee! Friday I'll probably clean and stuff, then go to a drum circle at church at night. Saturday and Sunday are family days. We'll just hang out, work out, cut the grass and play, ride bikes and all that good stuff. I look forward to going back to work on Monday. Isn't life amazing? Who would have ever thought I'd be saying I was looking forward to going to work?? I've got to admit it's getting better...
Monday, June 30, 2008
Friday, June 13, 2008
My Stomach Hurts
I'm not sure if it's because I've been frantically running all day and forgetting to eat, or if it's the anxiety. My daughter is having a sleepover today and the two best friends she chose from school both didn't show. She doesn't seem too upset. I'm a wreck.
The two best friends, Isabella and Hannah, don't get along. Therefore, when both were invited, one declined immediately. If she's invited, I'm not coming, was the third grader's response. Sigh, was mine. Then, two hours prior to the start of the party, the attendee called and said, "I can't make it to Mia's party. My mom can't get me there on time." Wow. Thanks. So I called the other girl and told her dad that she had bailed, and asked if his daughter could make it, even offering to have my husband pick her up. He kindly said they were 'kinda booked' and that he wondered if Mia could come over and swim tomorrow at two. It is making me wonder if I've somehow presented myself at school in a way that makes these people snub us, or if it's just the luck of the draw.
At any rate, as I blog there is thumping and stomping and lots of yelling from the upstairs as the two other kids from her class and the one who lives in the neighborhood all play and dance to Hannah Montana... We await the arival of one more and then the real fun begins. God help me, when she gets older
The two best friends, Isabella and Hannah, don't get along. Therefore, when both were invited, one declined immediately. If she's invited, I'm not coming, was the third grader's response. Sigh, was mine. Then, two hours prior to the start of the party, the attendee called and said, "I can't make it to Mia's party. My mom can't get me there on time." Wow. Thanks. So I called the other girl and told her dad that she had bailed, and asked if his daughter could make it, even offering to have my husband pick her up. He kindly said they were 'kinda booked' and that he wondered if Mia could come over and swim tomorrow at two. It is making me wonder if I've somehow presented myself at school in a way that makes these people snub us, or if it's just the luck of the draw.
At any rate, as I blog there is thumping and stomping and lots of yelling from the upstairs as the two other kids from her class and the one who lives in the neighborhood all play and dance to Hannah Montana... We await the arival of one more and then the real fun begins. God help me, when she gets older
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
It’s The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
For those of you who know me, you know things have been changing rapidly in my life. There is something else happening now. Peace. Even though things go wrong, there is peace in my life. I am seeing now the ways that I was seeking drama and carting other people's crap by the bushel into my life. Sometimes I still do. I'm still working on it. Life on life's terms, not mine. The new truck just died today. Flat dead, Nothing. We had it towed to a shop. Ugh. Not worth getting upset over. Done is done. Maybe something wonderful that I'll never see happened today in that electrical failure. Maybe that truck with my husband and the older two kids in it would've gotten hit and someone would have been hurt, or God forbid, killed. How can I know how God is at work in my life if I only praise Him for the things I deem good? John says God told him to stay home anyway. LOL
Yesterday I walked for 45 minutes. Then again today. I'm striving for five days a week. Last night John and I attended our first Tai Chi class. WOW. It was sweet. So fun. I really want to keep doing it. I am so stoked about it. It is reputed to not only be good for you physically, but mentally as well. In addition, years into it, it can become a self-defense art. I hear good things in terms of it being an intimacy building activity, since it causes you to work face to face, builds self esteem and the like. We'll see. Another good thing about it is it's being given at the church we go to, and is significantly cheaper than if we did it at a martial arts school. And the money goes to the church, where we are definitely in need of a new roof. We have a benefactor willing to donate 10K if we can raise the first ten. I know we can do it! There is a casino trip I'm willing to make the sacrifice and go on to support the church. LOL I know I'm a dork.
I don't know how long it's actually been, but it's been a good month almost since I quit drinking and longer by at least a month for John. I quit smoking back in February. Maybe January. I am completely clean now, and am changing my eating habits as well. I have almost entirely given up sugar. I started with pop, then went to vitamin water and Gatorade and the like. I have a fruit juice occasionally and am down to about half a teaspoon of sugar in my hot tea. I gave up fast food as a habit, and can't really remember when I ate it last. I still eat out, but I try to at least go Subway or sushi instead of a Big Mac.
I bought us a Wii Fit. Holy geez is that thing AWESOME!!!! If you don't know what one is, google it. The Wii rocks in and of itself, but the Wii Fit is a box you stand on and do balance activities like Yoga or balance games. Tightrope walking, hula hooping. Strength Training and Aerobics. I didn't need it to tell me that I was obese. I was well aware of it. But it tracks my weight loss, the amount of time I spend on it per day, the days I work out, my bmi is calculated for me and it's helping me to correct my posture. Woah. I love this thing. It's the size of a bathroom scale, and as you stand on it it charts your center of gravity. It knows which way you lean. It has aerobics. You can choose a female or male personal trainer who talks to you, but whose mouth never moves. It's insanity. I can't believe all the stuff this one machine can do. Bizarre. Really, truly. I haven't hula'd yet but I did try heading a soccer ball. It's harder than it looks.
I have been having the strangest damn dreams. I haven't been completely clean for almost fifteen years, barring the pregnancies with each child. I forgot the dreaming that happens when you don't pass out wasted. I haven't been to a meeting in years. Now I go regularly, although I can't stomach AA anymore. I've tried and I just don't feel right there. I tried Al-anon but it makes my skin crawl there. I go to ACOA every week without fail. We watch John Bradshaw for fifteen minutes. Today it was Leo Buscaglia. I tell them I'm a monster and they love me anyway. I tell them about the insanity that was my family as a small child, and they remind me that I'm not responsible for the things that happened to me, or the things I didn't choose, but that I can make choices now. I'm an intelligent person, but I have a hard time really wrapping my mind around that and they are beating it into me with a mallet. Figuratively. And they are all living proof that it gets better a bit at a time if you are willing. Bradshaw says the only way to deal with feelings is to go through them. These amazing people are teaching me and supporting me as I sort through all the things I haven't felt quite equipped to deal with in life for the last thirty years. They are loving and firm. They're funny and irritating. They have their own bullshit, and they don't try to make me feel bad about anything I do-or don't do. It's a wonderful opportunity for me to get my life together. I'm taking it.
Things are getting better slowly. I think we're gonna make it. For real. All joking aside, John and I will have been married 8 years in August. That's a feat in itself. A tremendous achievement is that we still like one another and still want to be married. That we have made the choice to forgive ourselves and one another for our past mistakes, and that in the face of the hectic lifestyle that we lead we make time to actively love each other, freely and completely for who we are today and not hinged on some future better person we'd like to become.
I have been seeking a closer relationship with the Christ in me, or with the Universal Love or whatever you want to call it. I wish Christianity wasn't so patriarchal, and that it was more acceptable to love all the gods than the God. It matters much less to me than it used to what other people refer to God as, be it Goddess or Higher Power or Jesus or Krishna. I find Jesus to be a suitable God, loving and powerful and Unity church is a good place for me to be until I am directed elsewhere. I feel very comfortable there and happy to have a place to worship where no one bats an eyelash at my tattoos, no one tells me I can't wear jeans and no one hounds me for money. I give freely where I'm called to, and I believe that God speaks to me if I can quiet myself enough to listen. I feel a deep sense of wonder at the beauty of the Universe as it is unfolding in my soul, in my children, in a beggar and in a politician. I see God's miracles in babies and kittens and flowers, new plants and sunrises, all the traditional things that are maybe easier to look at. I also see Him in traffic and the economics of the world. I see so much balance. If I believe that the Universe seeks balance then we are all necessary. We are all the same, essentially, and just leaning one way or another. If we all straighten up and balance, then, will the whole world balance as well? Will we cease to have the very rich and the very poor? Will we cease to kill and save, and just exist? Will tremendous joy be sacrificed to stamp out utter desolation? Where are humans really headed? What are our intentions when weighed against our reality? Are we not reaping the very seeds we have all planted? Why do we continue to blame others when every religious text says, 'Look within and you will find God there.' The point is not which religion. Human beings worry far too much about doing than being. I am working on finding the divine within me, and tapping into a consciousness we all have access to, if we are willing to forgo the things we know better than to do. It's not as easy as it sounds....
Yesterday I walked for 45 minutes. Then again today. I'm striving for five days a week. Last night John and I attended our first Tai Chi class. WOW. It was sweet. So fun. I really want to keep doing it. I am so stoked about it. It is reputed to not only be good for you physically, but mentally as well. In addition, years into it, it can become a self-defense art. I hear good things in terms of it being an intimacy building activity, since it causes you to work face to face, builds self esteem and the like. We'll see. Another good thing about it is it's being given at the church we go to, and is significantly cheaper than if we did it at a martial arts school. And the money goes to the church, where we are definitely in need of a new roof. We have a benefactor willing to donate 10K if we can raise the first ten. I know we can do it! There is a casino trip I'm willing to make the sacrifice and go on to support the church. LOL I know I'm a dork.
I don't know how long it's actually been, but it's been a good month almost since I quit drinking and longer by at least a month for John. I quit smoking back in February. Maybe January. I am completely clean now, and am changing my eating habits as well. I have almost entirely given up sugar. I started with pop, then went to vitamin water and Gatorade and the like. I have a fruit juice occasionally and am down to about half a teaspoon of sugar in my hot tea. I gave up fast food as a habit, and can't really remember when I ate it last. I still eat out, but I try to at least go Subway or sushi instead of a Big Mac.
I bought us a Wii Fit. Holy geez is that thing AWESOME!!!! If you don't know what one is, google it. The Wii rocks in and of itself, but the Wii Fit is a box you stand on and do balance activities like Yoga or balance games. Tightrope walking, hula hooping. Strength Training and Aerobics. I didn't need it to tell me that I was obese. I was well aware of it. But it tracks my weight loss, the amount of time I spend on it per day, the days I work out, my bmi is calculated for me and it's helping me to correct my posture. Woah. I love this thing. It's the size of a bathroom scale, and as you stand on it it charts your center of gravity. It knows which way you lean. It has aerobics. You can choose a female or male personal trainer who talks to you, but whose mouth never moves. It's insanity. I can't believe all the stuff this one machine can do. Bizarre. Really, truly. I haven't hula'd yet but I did try heading a soccer ball. It's harder than it looks.
I have been having the strangest damn dreams. I haven't been completely clean for almost fifteen years, barring the pregnancies with each child. I forgot the dreaming that happens when you don't pass out wasted. I haven't been to a meeting in years. Now I go regularly, although I can't stomach AA anymore. I've tried and I just don't feel right there. I tried Al-anon but it makes my skin crawl there. I go to ACOA every week without fail. We watch John Bradshaw for fifteen minutes. Today it was Leo Buscaglia. I tell them I'm a monster and they love me anyway. I tell them about the insanity that was my family as a small child, and they remind me that I'm not responsible for the things that happened to me, or the things I didn't choose, but that I can make choices now. I'm an intelligent person, but I have a hard time really wrapping my mind around that and they are beating it into me with a mallet. Figuratively. And they are all living proof that it gets better a bit at a time if you are willing. Bradshaw says the only way to deal with feelings is to go through them. These amazing people are teaching me and supporting me as I sort through all the things I haven't felt quite equipped to deal with in life for the last thirty years. They are loving and firm. They're funny and irritating. They have their own bullshit, and they don't try to make me feel bad about anything I do-or don't do. It's a wonderful opportunity for me to get my life together. I'm taking it.
Things are getting better slowly. I think we're gonna make it. For real. All joking aside, John and I will have been married 8 years in August. That's a feat in itself. A tremendous achievement is that we still like one another and still want to be married. That we have made the choice to forgive ourselves and one another for our past mistakes, and that in the face of the hectic lifestyle that we lead we make time to actively love each other, freely and completely for who we are today and not hinged on some future better person we'd like to become.
I have been seeking a closer relationship with the Christ in me, or with the Universal Love or whatever you want to call it. I wish Christianity wasn't so patriarchal, and that it was more acceptable to love all the gods than the God. It matters much less to me than it used to what other people refer to God as, be it Goddess or Higher Power or Jesus or Krishna. I find Jesus to be a suitable God, loving and powerful and Unity church is a good place for me to be until I am directed elsewhere. I feel very comfortable there and happy to have a place to worship where no one bats an eyelash at my tattoos, no one tells me I can't wear jeans and no one hounds me for money. I give freely where I'm called to, and I believe that God speaks to me if I can quiet myself enough to listen. I feel a deep sense of wonder at the beauty of the Universe as it is unfolding in my soul, in my children, in a beggar and in a politician. I see God's miracles in babies and kittens and flowers, new plants and sunrises, all the traditional things that are maybe easier to look at. I also see Him in traffic and the economics of the world. I see so much balance. If I believe that the Universe seeks balance then we are all necessary. We are all the same, essentially, and just leaning one way or another. If we all straighten up and balance, then, will the whole world balance as well? Will we cease to have the very rich and the very poor? Will we cease to kill and save, and just exist? Will tremendous joy be sacrificed to stamp out utter desolation? Where are humans really headed? What are our intentions when weighed against our reality? Are we not reaping the very seeds we have all planted? Why do we continue to blame others when every religious text says, 'Look within and you will find God there.' The point is not which religion. Human beings worry far too much about doing than being. I am working on finding the divine within me, and tapping into a consciousness we all have access to, if we are willing to forgo the things we know better than to do. It's not as easy as it sounds....
Labor Pains
Two people in the last week or so have said the same thing to me, in a nutshell. They are the two people closest to me aside from John, Bailey and Hugo, and they both likened the phase of my life that I'm in now to childbirth. It seems fitting, in some ways.
I have since the first of the year or so, been dreaming of a new me, and I feel so different now from then that I almost want to change my name. It is much like gestation and birth. I have begun the journey with an attitude adjustment of monumental proportions. It began with thinking of myself, and deciding to take care of me better than I have been. I made it a goal to lose weight. Starting with a physical and vitamins, I gave up smoking in February. Then pop, then fast food. All these things made me feel better and I quit drinking or in any other way altering my mood with substances. That includes pain medication, valium, xanax and all the other substances so easy to fall back on. Nothing but the occasional pain pill when my cramps are really bad, and I gotta tell you last time was probably the last time. I don't like the way they make me feel anymore.
Two tremendously important things have come out of this change, plus a host of other things that go along with them like the stars in concert with the sun and moon. I found in my new state of mental clarity that I am and always have been a spiritual person, and that I had been seeking God for a long time, but could not find anything but my own roadblocks. He was there all along and I just chose to busy myself in other ways. The other huge thing is that I'm exercising daily and losing between half and one pound per day. It's been enlightening to see that without anything to take away negative feelings I've had to learn to deal with them. I was then able to recognize when I was hungry and when I was eating to avoid a feeling I didn't like. Like anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness. rage, guilt, shame, inadequacy, fear, did I say frustration already?, boredom, anxiety, pressure and a host of other negative feelings that if I really look at things are there for a reason. So I began the long, frustrating, painful process of dealing with all those things. WOW. What an eye-opener. It has been like birth, I'm not sure I'm born, or still laboring. I do know this: If I stop, if I give up, the new woman emerging full grown and conscious from the old me will die. All I have to do is turn my back on it and walk away. It's easy, and alluring like warm oil on the skin. It was, at least, in the past. How many times have I declared war on some negative aspect of myself, whooping and hollering and waving a tomahawk, only to wake up a month later and wonder what the hell happened to me. Not this time, ladies and gents. I have been losing weight for two weeks. Consecutively not consuming any of the aforementioned chemicals in any form for weeks, maybe longer. I drink only water, milk and tea. I'm down to a half teaspoon or teaspoon of sugar in my tea, and that's a huge break from Mountain Dew. Can I get an Amen? Seriously. I didn't realize that it would happen, but I'm at the point now that I think about snacking at night every night still, but if I do, it's something healthy and not a bowl of ice cream. I asked John to stop eating in bed with me, because the urge to snack at night is still there and it's hard to abstain if someone is doing it in your face. I work every night until 9 and don't get home until nine thirty, so he has plenty of time for his bowl of cereal or ice cream before I get there. It's a sacrifice he's willing to make, especially since I kicked the tv out of our bedroom again. I can't tell you how much of a difference it has made in our sleep habits. We go to bed so much earlier and with consistency now. It makes it waaaaay easier to get up and do yoga at six am if I've gotten eight hours of sleep the night before. And it's easier to go to bed at night if I haven't been slugging Mountain Dew at work for the last four hours straight. And it's easier to avoid the pop drinking if I"m not hung over and exhausted. And so on, and so forth.
I bought a size smaller pants than I usually wear and the same size bra I wore in HS. Who knew? I guess there is nothing like determination to get you through it, whatever it may be.
The thing I've been laughing about for the last few days is John has been saying it's too bad we can't have another baby. I live in fear of turning up pregnant, and it's been three and a half years since there was even a chance. I still sweat when I think about it. Anyone in need of someone to rock your crying baby while you take a break, my husband has the baby itch really bad and would love to come listen to yours cry for a day or so LOL....
I have since the first of the year or so, been dreaming of a new me, and I feel so different now from then that I almost want to change my name. It is much like gestation and birth. I have begun the journey with an attitude adjustment of monumental proportions. It began with thinking of myself, and deciding to take care of me better than I have been. I made it a goal to lose weight. Starting with a physical and vitamins, I gave up smoking in February. Then pop, then fast food. All these things made me feel better and I quit drinking or in any other way altering my mood with substances. That includes pain medication, valium, xanax and all the other substances so easy to fall back on. Nothing but the occasional pain pill when my cramps are really bad, and I gotta tell you last time was probably the last time. I don't like the way they make me feel anymore.
Two tremendously important things have come out of this change, plus a host of other things that go along with them like the stars in concert with the sun and moon. I found in my new state of mental clarity that I am and always have been a spiritual person, and that I had been seeking God for a long time, but could not find anything but my own roadblocks. He was there all along and I just chose to busy myself in other ways. The other huge thing is that I'm exercising daily and losing between half and one pound per day. It's been enlightening to see that without anything to take away negative feelings I've had to learn to deal with them. I was then able to recognize when I was hungry and when I was eating to avoid a feeling I didn't like. Like anger, frustration, sadness, loneliness. rage, guilt, shame, inadequacy, fear, did I say frustration already?, boredom, anxiety, pressure and a host of other negative feelings that if I really look at things are there for a reason. So I began the long, frustrating, painful process of dealing with all those things. WOW. What an eye-opener. It has been like birth, I'm not sure I'm born, or still laboring. I do know this: If I stop, if I give up, the new woman emerging full grown and conscious from the old me will die. All I have to do is turn my back on it and walk away. It's easy, and alluring like warm oil on the skin. It was, at least, in the past. How many times have I declared war on some negative aspect of myself, whooping and hollering and waving a tomahawk, only to wake up a month later and wonder what the hell happened to me. Not this time, ladies and gents. I have been losing weight for two weeks. Consecutively not consuming any of the aforementioned chemicals in any form for weeks, maybe longer. I drink only water, milk and tea. I'm down to a half teaspoon or teaspoon of sugar in my tea, and that's a huge break from Mountain Dew. Can I get an Amen? Seriously. I didn't realize that it would happen, but I'm at the point now that I think about snacking at night every night still, but if I do, it's something healthy and not a bowl of ice cream. I asked John to stop eating in bed with me, because the urge to snack at night is still there and it's hard to abstain if someone is doing it in your face. I work every night until 9 and don't get home until nine thirty, so he has plenty of time for his bowl of cereal or ice cream before I get there. It's a sacrifice he's willing to make, especially since I kicked the tv out of our bedroom again. I can't tell you how much of a difference it has made in our sleep habits. We go to bed so much earlier and with consistency now. It makes it waaaaay easier to get up and do yoga at six am if I've gotten eight hours of sleep the night before. And it's easier to go to bed at night if I haven't been slugging Mountain Dew at work for the last four hours straight. And it's easier to avoid the pop drinking if I"m not hung over and exhausted. And so on, and so forth.
I bought a size smaller pants than I usually wear and the same size bra I wore in HS. Who knew? I guess there is nothing like determination to get you through it, whatever it may be.
The thing I've been laughing about for the last few days is John has been saying it's too bad we can't have another baby. I live in fear of turning up pregnant, and it's been three and a half years since there was even a chance. I still sweat when I think about it. Anyone in need of someone to rock your crying baby while you take a break, my husband has the baby itch really bad and would love to come listen to yours cry for a day or so LOL....
This is the first one, so it will be long or short.
I'm either going to go on and on and on, or keep it short. I bet on long, because I know me. I am making it my goal to keep them readable.
Lately things have been uphill. This leaves me spent, but feeling accomplished at the end of the day. I always have wishes. I wish I'd spent more time doing this or that, I wanted to (fill in a physical activity or chore I meant to do) but didn't. How come?
Seldom am I up past 11 p.m. anymore. I just can't stay awake, first off. Secondly, everyone else is sleeping and it seems like a good idea to follow suit. Mostly, because I know how tremendously important it is for me to keep myself on an even keel. Sleep helps me.
Things with Himself have been better lately. He recently went back to work after two months disability- for mental health. I wish there weren't such a stigma attached to that. If he had thrown his back out or blown his knee out or some other 'manly' thing it wouldn't be any big deal. Why do I have such a hard time dealing with this type of illness, and why doesn't anyone who hasn't been through it themself want to talk about it? It's better, nonetheless, with the exception of financially. We are in a tight spot without his full pay for the last two months, and now he will work reduced hours.
I've been taking good care of myself, and dealing with my own issues, trying hard to keep cool in this whirlwind of change, emotion and chaos. I've been doing ok. Somehow I've managed. Well, not somehow. I take life on life's terms and try to find strength wherever it may turn up.
Today we sat down and talked about how I feel I do most of the work of running the household, and how if we are both going to work part time, he has to pick up some more responsibility here. It's what I need. I can't make myself crazy trying to keep the house perfect, (or at least from being condemned by the city) and work, pay all the bills, maintain the automobiles, make most of the plans and manage everyone's time, etc, etc, ETC. I will get resentful, and that's when I get mean. I don't want that to happen. I don't know how he feels about what I've said because John goes away to process. He prefers it that way, and I'm learning not to press him for immediate answers. GROWTH. It's the key to being a better person. Not to change, but to grow. I'm going to re-post my last MySpace blog. And maybe a few others. :)
Lately things have been uphill. This leaves me spent, but feeling accomplished at the end of the day. I always have wishes. I wish I'd spent more time doing this or that, I wanted to (fill in a physical activity or chore I meant to do) but didn't. How come?
Seldom am I up past 11 p.m. anymore. I just can't stay awake, first off. Secondly, everyone else is sleeping and it seems like a good idea to follow suit. Mostly, because I know how tremendously important it is for me to keep myself on an even keel. Sleep helps me.
Things with Himself have been better lately. He recently went back to work after two months disability- for mental health. I wish there weren't such a stigma attached to that. If he had thrown his back out or blown his knee out or some other 'manly' thing it wouldn't be any big deal. Why do I have such a hard time dealing with this type of illness, and why doesn't anyone who hasn't been through it themself want to talk about it? It's better, nonetheless, with the exception of financially. We are in a tight spot without his full pay for the last two months, and now he will work reduced hours.
I've been taking good care of myself, and dealing with my own issues, trying hard to keep cool in this whirlwind of change, emotion and chaos. I've been doing ok. Somehow I've managed. Well, not somehow. I take life on life's terms and try to find strength wherever it may turn up.
Today we sat down and talked about how I feel I do most of the work of running the household, and how if we are both going to work part time, he has to pick up some more responsibility here. It's what I need. I can't make myself crazy trying to keep the house perfect, (or at least from being condemned by the city) and work, pay all the bills, maintain the automobiles, make most of the plans and manage everyone's time, etc, etc, ETC. I will get resentful, and that's when I get mean. I don't want that to happen. I don't know how he feels about what I've said because John goes away to process. He prefers it that way, and I'm learning not to press him for immediate answers. GROWTH. It's the key to being a better person. Not to change, but to grow. I'm going to re-post my last MySpace blog. And maybe a few others. :)
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