LOVE BIG

I got called in to work today. As soon as I said yes, I thought why did I do that?? But I said yes, so I went. What a really great night! We talked all night about books, music, 'firsts', as in first concert, first car, first accident in said car, etc. It was so nice to not be here with my frustration wrapped around me like a scarf. I feel like it's literally strangling me sometimes. I spent the whole day with my husband. I don't think we said two words to one another that weren't necessary. He seems perfectly capable of laughing and making small talk with other people, he's only too depressed for everything when I'm around. I need a professional who is well trained to deal with depression to talk to. I don't know how to break out of this cycle where I am the one he seems to need to show how depressed he is. And as a consequence, I feel like he's just lazy. He is perfectly capable when it suits him, and totally helpless when it's something I usually do but can't or won't do and he has to pick up the slack. And the refusal to work!! He is talking about how he can't work and he needs time to recuperate from being sick, but he hasn't worked more than twenty hours a week in nearly two years. How much longer is this supposed to go on before I loose my mind from the stress? And then who will pick up my slack? And what I'm really asking myself here is what happens if it doesn't get better? I am committed to this marriage, but I feel at times like he's trying to drive me off so that he'll have more reason to feel sorry for himself. I feel very trapped at times, like I'm playing out a kite that just keeps using more and more line, until I can't even see the damn thing anymore, all I have is the end of the line and I just keep pulling it, trying to hang on to it. And I ask myself, 'For what?' What is the purpose of the struggle? If I genuinely believed he wanted to get better it would be one thing, but at times I think he REALLY doesn't want to. I feel like I'm chasing my tail a lot. What is the essential set of ingredients that make a healthy relationship? When does a marriage stop being a marriage and start being a pity party? I know I'm still sick. I know I confuse love with many things, including but not limited to pity, sex, comfort, and just not leaving. Not leaving someone isn't loving them. SO WHAT IS???
It's funny in a strange way when I think about how we were raised in very similar environments, but came out so completely different because of one type of behavior our mothers exhibited. His taught him helplessness, and mine was infallible. His was only capable of doing 'mom things' like cleaning and sewing, and I wonder how well she did that stuff. I know she resented it. And my mom is like Macgyver. She can do anything, she'll just bitch the whole time about how she shouldn't have to do it, and how she wouldn't have to if the people who should be doing it weren't so lazy/stupid/incompetent, ET CETERA.
Anyway, I digress. I was supposed to be writing about how much I love my life. I do. I do I do I DO. It's almost inconceivable, that at this point in time, living the way I am that I would feel so good but I do. It's absolutely bizarre, but I feel very secure and totally at peace with the surroundings and the situation I'm in. I've met the most remarkable people and seen and done things I never imagined I would. Tomorrow I'm going to prepare the material for my 'speech'. I've been asked to speak to the teens who will be sleeping outdoors in a Box City to help them understand homelessness. I'm STOKED. lol
I love my friends, too. I'm so grateful for everyone in my life, the new and the old. I've made some amazing new acquaintances, a few of which will turn into friends, I'm sure of it. And of course, the oldies but goodies, the people who have seen me through it before and always love me despite my flaws and shortcomings. Having those kind of good people have helped me believe that I have an intrinsic value, a worth that isn't based in currency, career, activity or physical form. It's truly my soul that makes me so valued and loved, even with it's human nature laid bare and my worst defect of character. Thank you God for each of them, and they all know who they are.
Recently read: Mr. Timothy (in the middle of it now) by Louis Bayard. Previously Black and Blue by Anna Quindlen and Backroads by Tawni O'Dell, both on Oprah's book list. Old, but good. Tragic and painful, but revealing. I intend to read a Dean Koontz book next, if it holds my attention. We'll see about that.